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Apr 17, 2020

How to Find Love in 5 Minutes

Create a Winning Dating Process

Sarah ended her last long term relationship right before meeting her husband

Her ex, Chris, was a great guy by conventional standards: he wanted marriage, had a great job and her family adored him. But behind closed doors things weren't as perfectly aligned as they seemed. Over time, his dramatic mood swings and inconsistent physical affection made her extremely anxious. And, if she had to admit it, she wasn't the greatest partner either. She had a hard time discussing her emotions and would lash out at him as a result. It wasn't perfect, she thought, but what relationship is?

Things came to a screeching halt when, on an inkling, she suspected that he was cheating. She confronted him, he pleaded guilty and the relationship ended right before her 37th birthday.

She was hurt and frustrated. That familiar feeling of hopelessness permeated her dating brain. Family, marriage and building that life together had always been her life plan. She lamented, "If you'd told me that I'd still be single by 37, I wouldn't have believed you. I always thought it would just come together."

This time she didn't take a break. She decided to date in a different way.

In the past, she would have thrown in that towel. It was winter in New York City, work was hectic, she had friendships to maintain and the holidays were coming up. Dating would be inconvenient. She could wait for things to clear up. What difference would three months make?

She changed her approach. Instead of aimless dating she set a specific and achievable goal that was within her control

But, this time was different. Maybe it was her impending birthday, or the nature of her last breakup. Instead of taking a break, she decided to double-down. And instead of aimlessly searching for the one, she set herself a specific goal: to send 10 messages a day, no matter what. And by chance, luck or perseverance one of these messages went to Brian. 

The scenario wasn’t ideal by any means. He was in the middle of a nasty divorce and wasn’t seeking a relationship. He wasn't sure he even wanted to remain in New York City. He was conservative. "But there was something about him." she recalls, "From the moment I met him it just felt different." And different it was. Two years after their first date on a sunny beach at her childhood cottage, I watched my childhood friend get married to the man of her dreams.

By sticking to a process, she achieved the statistically impossible: married at 39, toddlers at 44.

Today she is a happy wife and mother of two adorable kids. During a recent visit, I could see the change. As she laughed at her two year old's antics and told me about her day, I knew my friend had found her place.

What was the secret? How did she find Brian, her adoring, generous, family oriented (not to mention 6'2" high flying lawyer) husband? And how did she pull off the statistically impossible: married at 39, toddlers at 44?

I'll tell you what she didn't do. She didn't work on herself. She didn't wait 5 days to text back. She didn't hold out until he promised undying commitment. Instead of following those prescribed tricks she let the process drive the outcome. She controlled what she could and let the rest take care of itself.

In fact, despite the proliferation of “how to find The One” textbooks, there just isn’t a textbook answer.

Finding love is frustrating to even the highest achievers because, unlike almost anything else, it isn’t something we can attain through hard work and accomplishment. In fact, despite the proliferation of "How to Find The One” textbooks, there just isn’t a textbook answer. What’s worse, many solutions out there prescribe amorphous solutions such as: love yourself, work on yourself, be the person you want to date, meditate and even more sinister, lose weight, botox, lie about your advanced degree.

I’m here to present a simpler solution. And it’s something you can start in the next five minutes. A process that is sustainable and will lead to something beyond the relationship: companionship, emotional connection and most of all, love.

It starts with a simple idea: small actions lead to greater outcomes. In her case, the action was sending ten messages. This action moved her closer to her goal. By doing something rather than nothing, her probability of meeting great men went from 0% to greater than 0%. 

That percentage increased when she reached out to men who met some of her criteria: stage of life and shared goals and interests. Her process was achievable and yielded results.

Finding a process that matches your dating patterns.

Now, to the serial daters out there who are sending a hundred messages a day the process will look different (being more selective, sending ten instead of 10,000). If you can’t find any men, it may be texting 10 men a day who meet less than 100% of your criteria. 

If you date a lot but can’t find the guy, your process will be more nuanced - you’ll need to figure out the habit that creates these situations and work systematically to change it. Such as: I tend to fall hard and fast. What does this look like? If it’s going on a five hour date, then you could experiment with trimming that back to an hour. See what happens, because what you’re doing isn’t giving you your desired outcome.

A great process can help you reach your goals. The beauty of this systematic approach is that it’s something you can start today. 

My job as a coach is to help the client create a system that works for them. A sustainable process that the client can commit to, to keep that probability of finding love above zero. Their process opens them up to new connections. And even when dating leads to a bad date, our work will be in learning (not chastising) and making changes (not repeating the same mistake).

The beauty of this systematic approach is that it’s something you can start today. Commit to an action that’s easy. Maybe that’s swiping on one profile a day, swiping less or on different profiles. Perhaps it’s texting once a day or being more responsive. See the results and you’ll be motivated to continue positive behaviors that will not only get you closer but most importantly, give you control over your dating life.

Because it’s not about finding love or getting married. That’s not a goal. The goal is to embody the habits that will lead to a result. 

Because it’s not about finding love or getting married. That’s not a goal. The goal is to embody the habits that will lead to a result. You can’t run a marathon without being a runner, just like you can’t find a husband without changing your limiting habits. 

Finding that relationship begins with you, and that’s a good thing! Great habits and small commitments is something that we can all do. 

I’m here to help.