Why AI matchmaking and better algorithms won't fix what's broken—and what will

The dating industry is in crisis, but not for the reasons most people think.

Approximately 360 million people used dating apps globally in 2024, generating billions in revenue. Yet user satisfaction is plummeting, burnout is endemic, and an entire generation is "quitting dating" altogether. The industry's response? Double down on what they've always done: promise better matches.

AI-powered profile writers. Smarter algorithms. Photo filters. New matchmaking metrics. The message is clear: If we can just deliver the right person, everything else will fall into place.

But after years of coaching singles through the actual mechanics of dating, I can tell you with certainty: the match is not the problem.

The Real Crisis: Nobody Knows How to Date Anymore

The data tells a stark story. According to recent research by Gallup, while 1 in 5 people globally report feeling lonely, among those under 18, the figure involves 80% of the global population. 22% say they don't have any real friends. Dating apps are now hosting in-person events to tackle Gen Z loneliness, recognizing that simply connecting people digitally isn't enough.

Here's what I see in my practice: clients with 100+ matches who can't convert any of them into second dates. Clients who are great over text but freeze on actual dates. Clients who sabotage promising connections because they lack the skills to navigate vulnerability, handle rejection, or communicate authentically under pressure.

The problem isn't finding people. It's knowing what to do once you've found them.

My generation—I was born in 1975—still remembers what it was like to meet people organically. We had parties, bars, coffee shops, bookstores. We built social muscle memory through trial and error in low-stakes environments. We learned to read body language, handle awkward silences, and flirt through hundreds of casual interactions before the stakes ever got high.

Gen Z doesn't have that context. Many younger daters experienced formative social interactions online, and now they're being asked to reject the apps and date in person—without ever having developed the skills to do it confidently.

This isn't a judgment. It's a gap the industry created and now refuses to address.

Why the Industry Keeps Missing the Point

Dating apps are optimized for engagement, not outcomes. They're incentivized to keep you swiping, not to get you into a stable relationship and off the platform. So they invest in what keeps you scrolling: more matches, better photos, wittier opening lines.

But in my years as a dating coach, I've learned that most problems occur after the match:

• The texting phase: You get a great match, but your messages are too formal, too eager, or too slow. The connection dies before you ever meet.
• The first date: You show up anxious, talk too much about your ex, or turn the date into a therapy session. No second date.
• Early-stage dating: You like each other, but you don't know how to navigate the vulnerable transition from casual to committed. You ghost or get ghosted.

These are skill deficits, not algorithm problems. And skills can be learned—if you have a safe place to practice.

Enter VR/AI Date Coaching: A Window Into What Actually Happens

Before I started using VR technology in my coaching practice, I was working blind. Clients would tell me their version of what happened on a date, which was inevitably incomplete, defensive, or simply inaccurate. I couldn't see the problem, so I couldn't teach them to fix it.

Now, I can.

Here's how it works:

The VR Diagnostic Date: I set up two clients with VR headsets and facilitate their interaction in real-time. I might ask them to discuss their favorite movie, then "disappear" and observe. I'm watching for conversational flow, body language, how they handle awkward moments. These observations become my diagnosis.

The AI/VR Practice Sessions: Once I've identified the problem, I create a customized practice module. The client enters a virtual environment and meets an AI-powered avatar I've programmed to help them practice a specific skill—how to start a date, how to discuss difficult topics, even how to break up with someone.

After each session, the system generates metrics: Did they ask open-ended questions? Acknowledge feelings? Maintain eye contact? I review the sessions and guide them through improvements.

Think of it like being a tennis coach. I need to watch you play to diagnose your backhand, then give you a ball machine so you can practice between lessons. The ball machine doesn't replace me—it extends my coaching when I'm not there.

Case Study: The Man Who Blamed the Algorithm

"Darius" came to me convinced he wasn't getting second dates because of dating app bias. As a short man working at a coffee shop, he figured the algorithm was working against him.

I put him on a VR diagnostic date. His avatar was much better looking than he is in real life—so physical attraction wasn't the issue. When I asked him and his date to discuss their favorite movie, he was excellent: flirting, asking questions, building rapport.

But when I asked them to talk about past dating experiences, everything shifted. "New York is a lonely place," he said. "I haven't had any success." Within moments, he'd turned the date into a therapy session. The romance died instantly.

When I showed him the recording, he immediately understood. The problem wasn't his height or his job—it was how he talked about dating itself. We created practice scenarios where he worked on answering "How's dating going?" in a way that felt honest but kept momentum alive: "It's not going great, but I'm glad to be on this date with you!"

The practice was automated. The coaching was not. I remained the coach throughout—diagnosing, teaching, reviewing, adjusting.

Case Study: The Woman Who Couldn't Leave

"Lauren" had been dating her boyfriend for a year. He was a great guy, but career-wise he was stuck and it was holding her back. She wanted to break up, but every time she tried, he convinced her to stay. Each failed conversation left her feeling more trapped.

We created an AI avatar with an anxious attachment style. The exercise: Lauren breaks up with Luke. The avatar was programmed to push back—"But we're so good together. Can't we work on this?" The less firm she was, the more pressing he'd become. But if she was direct and clear, he'd respond: "Okay. It sounds like you've made your decision. Best of luck."

Through repeated practice in VR, she refined her approach. The real conversation with Luke was still difficult, but she knew what to say and how to hold her boundary.

What surprised Lauren was how the skills transferred. Learning to be assertive with Luke helped her be assertive with her boss, her family, her friends. The dating skill became a life skill.

What Success Actually Looks Like

I'll be honest: we're early stage. I'd love to have hard data—percentage of clients who get second dates, confidence scores before and after, time to relationship. But we haven't run enough sessions yet to make statistically significant claims.

What I can tell you is qualitative: clients report feeling more confident, more present, more capable on real dates. They're not memorizing scripts—they're building genuine skills that keep them in the moment instead of scrambling in their heads.

Success means feeling good about your dating life. You're attracting the right people, communicating authentically, and showing up with confidence. You aren't paralyzed by what to say or derailed by difficult questions. You're actually on the date, not trapped in your anxiety about the date.

The Vision: Fixing What Apps Can't

The dating industry is projected to reach $25.25 billion by 2032. That's a lot of money chasing the same old solution: better matches.

But what if we addressed the entire user journey instead?

• Profile creation: AI helps people write authentic profiles that reflect who they actually are, not who they think they should be
• Matching: Apps deliver compatible matches
• Texting: Coaching plus AI helps people develop texting skills that maintain momentum
• First dates: AI/VR gives people a safe space to practice conversation skills and build confidence
• Early-stage dating: Coaching supports people through the vulnerable phase after the first date—helping them recognize patterns and show up authentically

This isn't about replacing human connection with technology. It's about using technology to help people get better at human connection.

The apps have the matches and the user base. Coaches like me have the methodology to help those matches convert into real relationships. Together, we could finally address what happens after the swipe.

The Challenge Ahead

My biggest obstacle right now is helping people understand what I actually do. "Date coaching" isn't widely understood—add "VR/AI date coaching" and people are completely lost.

But the early feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. To truly validate this approach and refine the experience, I need scale. I need to partner with established dating apps to run hundreds of users through the system—to prove that VR practice genuinely translates to better real-life dates.

Because here's what I know after years of coaching: People desperately want to find love. They have powerful tools at their disposal. What they're missing is the skills—and a safe place to develop them.

The dating industry has spent two decades optimizing the match. It's time we started optimizing what comes next.