It's that time of year again, folks. Candy corn, mini Twix bars, raunchy Halloween costumes. And as your dating coach, I will use this occasion to talk about a confusing and common practice in modern dating...trick or treat, here comes the (friendly?) Ghost!

Definitions

Ghosting is when one person disappears from the conversation. This applies to a new match or somebody you've been dating for some time. The experience is: you send out a message and there is no response. It happens a lot, especially in the age of dating apps. 

There are no hard and fast rules about ghosting. I know that's frustrating. As daters we seem to like rules because they help us feel safe. But, as you will read, different scenarios require different decisions and sometimes, ghosting is the best course of action.

My Thoughts

Here are some thoughts. They are kind of confusing, so I suggest you read slowly.

1. Ghosting is an unfortunate part of the dating landscape. 

Complain as we want to about "ghosting" it happens all the time. If you're going to date actively, you gotta toughen up a bit and not get offended every time this happens. Learning to shrug it off and keep going is a critical skill in modern dating. 

2. Ghosting & First Dates

Here are the rules that I personally follow. They are not the rules that I necessarily recommend for you, more observations from my own experience as a coach and somebody who dated for many years. 

a. Say thank you during the actual date.

Regardless of how I feel about a guy DURING the date, I'm always friendly, polite and make an effort. I always make it a point to say thank you multiple times for taking me out, especially if they have gone through the trouble of choosing the place and paying for the date. This "thank you" in person is sufficient. No need to triple thank you in person and over text (unless you want to).

b. If I'm not interested then I don't text after the date.

c. If I'm not interested and the guy texts me after, I gently let him know I'm not interested.

- Sample text: Thanks for taking me out the other day. It was great getting to know you but I'm not feeling a romantic connection, best of luck.

- I don't drag on the conversation or sustain a random text relationship with somebody I don't ever really want to see again.

- I don't "feel bad" because the whole point of dating is to test compatibility.

d. If I am interested then I don't text after the date.

- The reason is because, as part of my vetting process, I want to know that he is at least interested enough to ask me out.

- If I'm the one asking for a second date, then that sets a tone that I personally don't want - which is, all of the momentum is coming from me.

e. If he is ghosting me then

- If after a few days it's really bothering me that I haven't heard from the guy and I can't quite help myself, then I might just send a tiny little text to test the water. If he replies to my text, that is a good sign, but I still don't ask for the date.

- By sending the first text I'm basically telling the guy - okay you're good ask me out. If he continues the conversation but still does not ask me out within the first few exchanges, then at a certain point, I just stop texting. It's kind of like a ghost + fade. 

f. If I'm getting ghosted hard core then

If he does not answer my text then I do NOT text him again. If I can't help myself then I go into my contacts and delete the last four digits of his number. The reason is because I don't want the temptation of texting him again, but if he happens to text me, I want to know who it is.

g. If I want to be friends then

- Can first dates lead to new friendships? For me, yes. There have been more than a few occasions when I've dated a guy and though I didn't feel the connection, still wanted to be friends.

- So after the date I'd say, "Hey it was great getting to meet you. I didn't feel a romantic connection but if you could use a new friend, that would be great."

- For the next hang after that, I suggest adding a couple of other friends to cement that friend vibe.

3. Ghosting and Early Stage Relationships

a. If after Date 3 I don't feel like seeing him again

- I probably won't reach out. This feels kind of mean but at the same time, it also isn't a great feeling to get a rejection text when you didn't ask for it. So that's my rational.

- If he does reach out then I will definitely let him know how I feel - "It has been great getting to know you, but I don't think I feel a connection. Best of luck." 

b. If after Date 3, I'm getting ghosted then

- If, I'm on the receiving end - he ghosts me after the third date, then I will pretty much always delete his number and not reach out because, bottom line, at this point we know each other. I at least deserve some kind of reply. 

c. If after Date 3, I can't help myself

- If, after ghosting me, I can't help myself and text him once again, then I acknowledge out loud that I am now entering dangerous territory.  But I still might go ahead and do it because I'm curious and I want to just see what happens.

d. If the relationship morphs into a text-relationship then

- If, this guy turns out to be somebody who ghosts sometimes and not others, then I might go ahead and do the same. We could continue on like this indefinitely. These "relationships" can come in handy when you have extra time at the airport, random rainy Sunday night nothing on Netflix. They can serve a purpose sometimes.

- If this on again / off again relationship starts to eat away at my soul, then I will do the delete number trick. Hopefully that will get rid of the temptation. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.

4. Being the Ghost

- There are times when, despite yourself, you suddenly find that you're ghosting somebody. Like somebody texts you and you mean to reply, but then you got pulled into a meeting and then a bunch of other texts came in and you simply forgot because ... you're ultimately not that interested. Hopefully this makes you more sympathetic to the next time you get ghosted. 

- If I start to date somebody seriously, then it's time to end the random text relationships. My goodbye text sounds like this "hi! good news :) I have a boyfriend. wish me luck!" 

- If you've inadvertently ghosted somebody and then suddenly you feel like reaching out but you're not even sure you're that interested, then pause. Stirring up a bunch of emotions on your side and their side might not be the best idea. Do you really want more drama in your life? Are there other outlets for your boredom?

5. Things can come back to haunt you.

- One great reason to never ghost is that, someday, that person you ghosted might be interviewing you for a job. 

- It's always better for you and them and the world at large if you leave the interaction with the other person on a positive and respectful note. At least this way, they think you're a good person.

Parting Thoughts

Hopefully the above thoughts didn't *scare* you. My general philosophy on ghosting? Know that as part of dating you will get ghosted, and you will sometimes ghost other people. Try not to take it too hard. 

If this keeps happening to you, then it's worth taking a step back and figuring out why. Is there something about your profile and texting that isn't doing a good job filtering out the bad matches? Or, are you somebody who, for some reason, is attracted to these situations? 

My General Philosophy

In dating in general I don't see things as right, wrong, good or bad. Instead I focus on the connection between action and reaction. 

A texting relationship will probably not lead to marriage. That's okay. Sometimes we don't need marriage, we just need a text buddy. There's nothing wrong with that, I just ask you to see it for what it is.

There's this tendency in dating culture to say - if you don't want a real relationship then there must be something wrong with you. I disagree. There is a time and place for different kinds of relationships depending on where you are in your life. 

Okay, enough for now. It's time to get your costumes on before the little kids take all the good candy.

Thanks for reading & Happy Halloween.